Line By Line-1 松散冗余的句子

# 冗余句子特征

# 1. 弱动词（weak verbs）

to be（am， are， is，was…），含糊不清的无动作动词（like /exist），被动形式 to be（is believed）

例:
More remote, less densely populated suburbs, $\color{red}{whose}$ lower values $\color{red}{were \; often \; a \; function}$ of how far they $\color{red}{were}$ from work centers, and small towns in rural locations, $\color{red}{whose}$ lower values $\color{red}{were \; a \; reflection}$ of the $\color{red}{difficulty \; of \; earning}$ a living, $\color{red}{are}$ likely to see considerable $\color{red}{appreciation \; of}$ their property values in the next two decades.
修改后：
Since many people will no longer have to commute to work centers to earn a living, property values in the more distant suburbs and rural areas should appreciate considerably in the next two decades.

解析：
原句主体： 未来 20 年，边远地区房价会上涨。原因，人们不再需要通过通勤上班。

修改方法：

• 动词被动 -> 主动 be done -> do

• 减少不必要的从句，避免多余的动词

• 避免冗长的句式，there is / It’s important to note that

• 并非摈弃所有被动句式

# 2. 晦涩的名词（ponderous noun）

笨重的名词，特别是后缀为 tion、ment 和 ence 的名词

例：The $\color{red}{stability \; and \; quality}$ of our financial performance will $\color{red}{be \; developed}$ through the profitable $\color{red}{execution}$ of our existing business, as well as the $\color{red}{acquisition \; or \; development}$ of new businesses.
修改后：
We will improve our financial performance not only by executing our existing business more profitably but by acquiring or developing new businesses.

解析： stability and quality 并没有带给句子更多意义，故舍去。
被动句式换为主动式，be developed -> improve。
名词换为动词进行式，省略 of， through the profitable execution -> by executing。

修改方法：

• 删去不必要的形容词及形容词的名词形式

• 化被动句式为主动句式

• 动词的名词形式换为主动形式，例如 -ing

# 3. 介词短语字符串（Strings of Prepositional Phrases）

经常与弱动词、晦涩名词相关联，严重依赖介词。若一行中出现 3 个介词，尝试修改。
例：
The more reasoned analysis made by the Saint-Simonians $\color{red}{of}$ the nature $\color{red}{of}$ the new power situation $\color{red}{in}$ France and $\color{red}{of}$ the reasons the new power situation $\color{red}{in}$ France and $\color{red}{of}$ the reasons the present government could not satisfy the needs $\color{red}{of}$ the people was confirmed $\color{red}{by}$ these developments.
修改后：
These developments confirmed the Saint-Simonians’ more reasoned analysis of the new power situation in France and of the present government’s inability to satisfy the people’s needs.

解析：
句子主体为被动句式，有 7 个介词短语。将句子改为主动句式可以去掉一个。
was confirmed by these developments -> these developments confirmed。
of the nature of the new power 与 of the new power 意义几无差别，故替换。
made by the Saint-Simonians -> Saint-Simonians’
the needs of the people -> people’s needs
of the reasons 与 reasoned analysis 意义重复，故略去

修改方法：

• 删去无意义语句，例如： is illustrated by the fact \ there will be
• 用所有格形式替换介词短语，例如：the needs of the people -> people’s needs
• 删去重复说明，例如：During the discussion period, the stockholders will dicuss Company interest.

# 修改捷径

# 1. 常规套路精简

除了上述三种冗余特征，我们还应注意特定的结构，句式。

• 用主动式代替包夹在弱动词和介词间的名词或形容词
  is indicative of -> indicates, have an influence on -> influence,
  gives consideration to -> considers, make an assessment of -> assess,
  is capable of -> can, make use of -> use, is of interest to -> interests,
  is benefit to -> benefits

• 以 tion 结尾的名词 + of 替换 为动名词
  by the implementation of the plan -> by implementing the plan
  in the creation of -> in creating
  by the addition of -> by adding

• 对于某些关系从句，可以删去主语和宾语
  There are at least two larger opportunities that exist in this area.
  Those who are invited to participate on the panel pay their own travel expense.
  The result is an organization that is uniquely tailored to its customer base.

• 对于某些关系从句，用一个或几个词替换删去的部分
  Poor households pay more for [the] their food [that they buy] because local merchants exploit them.
  Fundamental to our operation [is the variety of] are our many community services [that our company has to offer to the community].

• 删除重复含义的短语
  in the case of, in character, of the fact that, of xx quality, the factor of, degree of
  They showed a greater [degree of] interest in the outcome.

• 注意⚠️
  确保修改后的句子，与原句语义差别不大，没有丢失重要内容。

# 2. 选择实惠的单词

在写作中，我们常被要求使用生动的动词和具体的名词，如果没有这样做，就会有冗余产生。
例如，描写走的姿态除了我们熟知的 walk，还可以用 trudge (a long difficult walk), amble (a leisurely walk), stroll (a leisurely walk), lumber (move heavily or clumsily), stride (walk with long steps), lope (run easily)
例： He walked wearily and laboriously. -> He trudged.
例如，车辆除了用 car，还可以用更具体的名词代替。例如：coupe, sedan, convertible, station wagon.
更准确生动的用词会让句子提供更多信息量。
例：A car usually travels fifteen times faster than a person walking. -> A Mercedes travels twenty times faster than a strolling minstrel.

• 错用修饰词造成冗余
  例如： finally concluded 中 conclude 就有最终决定的含义，finally 为多余修饰词
  类似的还有： first introduced, a temporary sojourn (逗留), totally devoid (全无的) of, flawless (完美的) perfection, a small trifle (琐事), a new innovation, on first entering, straight linear movement, general consensus (一致的意见)

• 介词短语冗余
  例： asist us with their help, green in color, handsom in appearance, rectangular in shape

• 程度副词造成的冗余
  合适的单词可能完全不需要程度副词 — very, really, truly, actually 等修饰，而不合适的单词，即使使用程度副词对于其补益也不足。
  例： very large -> enormous /huge/gigantic /massive
  而对于某些有绝对含义的单词 — pure, unique, complete 等，使用程度副词反而会降低单词原本的含义。
  例： really terrific (极好的), absolutely stunning (极好的), truly sensational (非常好的), extremely vital (至关重要的)

# 3. 不言自明

例： In this paper I will discuss three aspects of contemporary life that …
去掉前六个单词，对整句话的含义没有一点点影响
例： The third chapter of the book deals with administrative problems and the solutions that have been proposed for these problems [proposed solutions]
solutions 紧跟在 problem 后，所以不用言明，读者也知道其针对的是这些 problem

# 总结：

精简句子如同健身塑形一样，想变得苗条总是比变胖需要付出更多努力，不过当你熟悉之后，也会渐渐爱上这种精益求精的快乐，如同看着自己的马甲线逐渐显现时的喜悦。
推荐的三个修改步骤：
1. 逐句筛查
2. 舍弃无用词
3. 替换弱动词

当你从修改中不断汲取经验时，你的写作技巧也会越来越好。你的文章所需的修改也会渐渐变少。